Wednesday, February 08, 2006

i was digging through my files and came across a poem that i had submitted back in sept. of 02 to my workgroup. i printed out their suggestions and put it away to work on at another time. most poets do file things away and then look at them later with a fresh eye and thoughts. i decided to post the original and the comments and rewrites i received to show the process for anyone just starting out. be forewarned the famous F word is in here. there's reason for that words usage here and not another "kinder" word for it. sometimes it is overused or used for a shock value or used to "sell" a weak poem. believe it or not, it is a word that is debated about quite seriously. it should be. tho even the placement of an, "and" or a "as" can make one stay up nights. it is also true that smaller poems are at times, much, much harder than longer works. it stands to reason, they have to say a lot with just the right words and are usually stronger and must be right to the point. my friend philip is a master of the short poem. he is featured in my blog and is one of the poets that helped me in this poem. my friend mick, who is no longer a member of my workgroup, but still a very unique and talented friend whose work is in this blog as well and dear, lynn. she has passed on, but her poetry was so good that i was envious of her words and proud of her at the same time. this is the original first draft. s i've done this once before, but i want to encourage people that want to write. if you want to, then do it, just start. your words are important. they matter.


openings

what a pity
that all you have ever done is fuck
wasting me.
you want me to open my legs,
not caring that i would open my soul
for one true feeling from you.

this is from mick

openings

this feeling
such a pity
all you've ever done is fuck
wasting me.
i open my legs
to your want
i would open my soul
for one true feeling from you
if you cared.

this is from philip


opine

what a pity
i feel
all you ever want
is
to open my legs
and without sentiment
all you will get
is
undisclosed.

now, if you read all 3 carefully, you will see that there really are
differences that shade the meaning.

lyn wrote this.

"this is how i read your work:
one wants the other to open their legs
the other wants them to open their heart/soul

the key word is open?
the use of the words "true feeling" is good.
i imagine the couple don't make love they simply fuck.
may i suggest you drop the statements and use more description?
maybe you could start with the sex and work toward the emptiness.
cheers.
lynn"


now lynn's suggestion was a good one and
an outline an idea that i've kept, but it
was her style of writing not mine and that would really have
been evident in the finished poem.

so, here is the finished work, with thanks to them all.




openings

what a pity
all you ever want
is opened legs
another fuck
wasting me
never caring
that i would open
my soul
for one true feeling
from you.



what do you think? i'd love some feedback for any of you.
you can comment here or e-mail at. afterthebridge@hotmail.com

thanks much. sherry

No comments: