i spent the entire weekend alone. the phone never rang. i saw no one. it was a time to get my bearings and think. everyone needs that.
truthfully, i had to think in small periods of time. too much can be overwhelming.
especially now, at the age that i am. things come back that had been long misplaced.
memories are not always good ones even tho time softens most of them.some may look o.k. until you touch them and find they still have sharp edges that can slice deep.

it's like fitting a jigsaw puzzle made of razor blades together with the occasional piece made of velvet.

at 57 i've known for a very long time now why i've made the choices that i have.
it makes living with the consequences a bit easier but not easy.

there are things that i've done as i grew that amaze me to think that i lived thu them. there are things that i thought about that scare the fuck out of me.


there was things that did.

i am glad tho, that i've tried to be kind. not always succeeded and there were times when i shouldn't have.

there were times that people thought badly of me for trying. got the wrong ideas from watching me. when i was younger it really bothered me when people didn't understand. now, not so much. what can they do? certainly, they can not do what my body and my circumstances have.

yet, all in all, i have been pretty fortunate. i'm still here. i have some wonderful family members and people that i see now and again that i look forward to spending a few hours with here and there. i have had some wonderful pets and as for my home. i have more than i have ever had in my life. never ever had much, but the bills were always paid. my mother was really strong on that point. we made do after the bills were paid. i worked hard all my life, even tho i haven't formally worked in ages, i was here for whoever needed something. i've earned my keep. i am proud of that. i've help others. that makes me rest easier.

i've hurt some along the way. that hurts me still even tho most don't remember, wouldn't even remember or forgave me long ago . i stumble over those memories from time to time. i tripped and bruised myself over a few this weekend.


today, i got up and started my monday feeling a bit strange but a bit wiser too.