Wednesday, January 18, 2006

i thought i'd get back to some poetry work here.

i submitted a small poem to my poetry workgroup
the PK list. i've written about them before.
the poem,
in the body of an e-mail goes out to every poet
that is
a member of the list and can be commented on
and/or critiqued
by any or all. i will post the original and
the critiques,
then the rewrite of my poem.
it will give some idea of how
the process goes. we are free to
take any suggestions we please
or none at all. it is after all, our own work. s


this is the original


i would, i might

still, if i could
crawl into that bottle
like my father and his
before him
curling up in amber dreams
forgetting each and every til
breath is stilled.
keeping my own council when
judgment prods explanations.
days flowing unnoticed
into meaningless nights
i might.


these are the critiques,

sherry, generally works well, a couple of
thoughts.

forgetting each and every til (consider every ill/until breath is stilled)
breath is stilled.
keeping my own council when
judgment prods explanations.
days flowing unnoticed
into meaningless nights
i might.

(with stilled later, maybe, no still at start.)

capital I. maybe my only pet peeve,
subordinating ego in a poem.

me, here, my friend dislikes my disregard of capitals,
especially i's.


2 other e-mailed suggestions to "cork" the "ings" yep,
too many, they are right on that!

and then there were a few that liked the work as it was.
so, i mulled it over, moved things round and changed some things.
this is the rewrite and the version i reposted. it looks similar, but
in poetry especially, a word or two, an "ing" or not
can really make a difference. i've know poets, and i HAVE myself
gone crazy and lost sleep
over one freaking word in a poem.


i would, i might


if i could, crawl into that bottle
like my father and his
before him
just curled up in amber dreams
forgetting each and every
until breath is stilled
keeping my own council
when judgment prods explanations.
days flowing unnoticed
into meaningless nights
i might.



me, now, i think this is a finished work, but... s


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