the poem below is the 1st. i've written in quite some time.
if anyone would have the time to let me know if they like it and what it says to them i'd be grateful. i submitted it to my group for c&c (comments and critique) but i'd also love to have any input here. thanks
cherry or strawberry?
like
nailing jello to a tree
thought about that on and
off most of last night
like
nailing
jello
i suppose you could cheat and nail the box but that's
really
not
like nailing that wiggling mass up good
and
secure-like
OR you could not stir it up real good
so it gets that
nasty
slick neon
skin
that might hold
but would it be fair? i mean while
every one's saying that such and such is like
trying to sort of crucify a
cheap
dessert
to a tree
you'd be laughing.
i thought about that
on and off all last night
with the
nails
in
my fist
Friday, March 27, 2009
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7 comments:
Sorry, it just leaves me vague.
But I'm not sure why.
It light so is jello.
I never read a poem on jello.
I'm not much into poems there a few in my life I like.
They tell me it easy to write poems but I can't get it.
Coffee is on.
hi, no problem. i want all comments. i need the feedback.
no, it's not really about jello. unless you want it to be. i like poems that each one can make their own a bit.
"....no, it's not really about jello....."
she bop
I think it's not a bad poem at all. There are places where it is really dense; compact. Which is how a good poem should be. The 4th line seems wrong - not the way it's written but where it's placed.
Do you revise a lot?
nope, not about jello, : )
and yes, sometimes i revise depending on the poem. sometimes it's, "first thought, best thought"
i usually write something and then file it away and go back to it. sometimes i take bit's of a poem and use those bits to make 2 or 3 altogether differnt works.
every now and then i'll post something to show a work in progress.
this one i wanted a lot of feedback on. i really do thank everyone for that. : )
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